Dear Abby,

I like big butts. Please advise.

Signed,
Mixed up a lot

Dear Mediterranean stone dead pika XX century,
Watch it, you'll get Bilby's pet rock all upset again.
Abby

P.S. It really is butter: they're trying to trick you. But you didn't hear it from me.

Dear Abby,
I keep trying, I know I have to, but still, I can't believe it's not butter. What should I do?

All best,
Mediterranean stone dead pika XX century

Sorry, it's my delusions of adequacy acting up again. Can you help Dear Abby?

What is all this mumbo-jumbo & jibber-jabber? Instead of whining & blabbering on and on about your custard tarts, go out & find a list to attack. You'll feel much better, I guarantee it!

Sounds yummy! I have no fear of chocolate.

Dear Suspicious,
A bilby is a small nocturnal marsupial made of chocolate. It eats puny weaklings like you for breakfast.
Abby

P.S. Here comes one now! Start running.

Dear Abby,
Someone accused me of not being Dear Abby. What can I do?
Signed,
Abby

Ooh, gruntles! I want one too. Send it c/o Suspicious.

Because surely you can't be referring to moi as Disgruntled Wordie, can you?

Dear Disgruntled Wordie,
Dear Abby is a bit like Santa Claus, you dig? So much to do.
Abby.

P.S. I'm sending a box of gruntles. Take one a day until you feel better.

Dear "Abby",

What is a bilby? Is that some sort of weird Australian lingo?

Signed,

Suspicious of New Information

Dear Abby,
Heads up!

*snort*

Signed,
Anonymous Tart-Thrower

Dear Abby,

Hey! You're not Dear Abby!

Sincerely,
Disgruntled Wordie

Dear Tarted Up,

That's what you're here for. It's your purpose in life. Accept it.
Abby.

Dear Abby,

Why do I keep getting custard tarts thrown at me?

Sincerely,
Tarted Up

Dear Just Plain Lazy,
If you want to smell like roses, or numerous other things, try this list. As you know, most problems in life can be solved by a good list.
As for shirking, I have a friend called John Shirk. I asked him last year about how to shirk responsibilities and he wasn't sure. I conclude that shirking is more difficult than it looks if even Shirk himself is clueless.
You mentioned you were having trouble with 'remotely fun' activities. You should stop worrying about remote fun. Fun should be immediate. After you have made a custard tart, throw it. You don't really need to dust it with cinnamon first.
Abby.

P.S. You can throw it at reesetee. That's what he's here for.

Dear Abby,
I've over-committed myself to activities - none of which I consider even remotely fun or painless. Why do I do this to myself? Also, how can I shirk these responsibilities and still come out smelling like a rose?

Signed,
Just Plain Lazy

Dear Workless in Pennsylvania,
Get a job on Wordie. Then you can stay on Wordie and keep your employment. We all know that John makes thousands of dollars per week from this site. I'm sure he'll employ you because you made lots and lots of words and that's what Wordie sells. Even if John doesn't employ you, we can supply you with a pompous job title like Word Production & Manipulation Consultant, PA Division. That should at least make you feel like you have a job even though you don't.
Abby.

P.S. If you regularly see Flying Deadlines, your area may be subject to UFO activity. Please report to FBI.

Dear Stressed,
If you impale yourself on a pile of books, you may physically absorb some of the knowledge. And that's the best way of sneaking text books into the exam room. Brains are poorly regarded in Australia and you are just well to be shot of it. But I hoped you waved goodbye.
Abby.

P.S. I thank you for your letter and award you a complimentary sheep.

Dear Abby,

I never feel like working anymore. I just watch the deadlines fly by. I'd rather be on Wordie. What can I do to keep my job?

Signed,
Workless in Pennsylvania

Dear Abby,
I am in the middle of exam week and I think my brain has already liquified and dribbled out of my ears. How can I make the most of my study time without wanting to impale myself?
Sincerely,
Stressed.

Dear Abby is now open. We are a solution in search of a problem.